I may have to leave the Internet world for a time. I am finding myself using it only destructively and negatively, and I am on a tight rope with myself at the moment and I can’t afford to be swayed.
I’ve felt her tapping on my shoulder at random the past few days. Sometimes in the dark and sometimes the light. A stillness in my mind and then an overwhelming sense of loss, of weight, of loneliness.
She whips and snaps at me. I curl away from her with eyes closed. Praying she is only passing and will not stay.
Tonight she is clawing at my skin, squeezing my heart, shortening my breath, watering my cheeks with salty submission.
She brings with her a confusion, an apathy, a starvation, an anger, a bland and defeatist energy.
She drains me.
Where am I?
What you love to think about, dream about, speak about, learn about, and create is your genius. Don’t water down your natural style or contort yourself into some idealized version of who you think you should be. The impulses that come from deep within are your guide track to greatness. We want you as-is.
— Marie Forleo
We want you as-is.
Last night in my dream I delivered my own child with perfect calm. The people surrounding me were anxious and kept asking if I needed help or if I was okay. I ignored all of them. We were by a stream, I in it and they on the shore. I was naked and I just bent down and felt my baby’s head and then body fall into my hands. It was so small. I could feel it perfectly. I brought it to my chest and held it there. Even though it was crying it felt safe. I felt calm. It was easy and natural.
I innately knew what to do and was sure of myself.
There is a sad being in Guelph and today I was dragged there by it. It was overwhelming an consuming. I felt it quite vividly and was entirely disconnected from my body.
I am just going to draw. Regardless of the quality or similarity to the images in my mind, I will let them be. I will allow them the space in my sketchbook and I will understand that developing a skill takes time and I mustn’t be so hard on myself.
My bones float to the surface of my mottled skin. Love thy self I say, oh but she wants to yo yo again.
Red handed
I mix salads with my hands. There is something exceptionally grounding about touching the food you prepare.
My salads have graduated in size to a steel mixing bowl.
My new taste-love is raw beet. The colour, texture, and flavour are all wonderfully appealing.
Rip your lettuce.
Today was kale and beets for their earthy flavours, dried cranberries and carrot for sweetness, field lettuce and cucumber for watery crunch, and sesame and chia seeds for a neutral richness.
Topped off with maple (sweet), balsamic (earthy-sweet), lemon (balance), olive oil (richness) dressing.
Heal from the inside out.
